


house of the (un)holy

by casdoms (moffwithhishead)



Series: season 10 codas [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, Episode Tag, Episode: s10e03 Soul Survivor, Feelings, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Past Torture, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2014-10-22
Packaged: 2018-02-22 04:53:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2495171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moffwithhishead/pseuds/casdoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Stop that," Castiel chastises from the other end of the line, "Stop doing that to yourself, Dean. Stop blaming yourself for feeling things."</p><p>"I wanted to kill him, Cas," he chokes out before sitting up and covering his face with his hand, "I would've done it. If you hadn't shown up, I - I would've done it. I would've enjoyed it." Dean lets out a shaky laugh, "Fuck, I would've enjoyed it."</p><p>------------------------------</p><p>episode coda. dean's mixed feelings about being cured, dean's guilt, cas is there for him. etc.</p>
            </blockquote>





	house of the (un)holy

**Author's Note:**

> "[houses of the holy](http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ledzeppelin/housesoftheholy.html)" by led zeppelin played a surprising amount of influence in this.
> 
> I wrote this because I'm still bitter about dean being cured so early and because the speech demon!dean gave sam while being detoxed was my favorite thing. I'm sorry?
> 
>  
> 
>   
> **warnings for: dean's depressed, angry, blaming himself. winchesters use alcohol as a coping mechanism. oh and a brief mention of a panic attack.**  
> 

"Did you mean it?" Sam blurts out while they're eating dinner, with Cas and his unnamed friend gone.

Dean stops with the burger he's holding hovering inches away from his mouth and arches an eyebrow at Sam, "Did I mean what?" 

He looks like he's squirming in his seat a little as he looks down at the food in front of him, "What you, uh... what you said. About - about not having a brother. That stuff." Sam clears his throat and it's obvious he's trying to sound normal, "Did you mean it?" 

The question shouldn't surprise him as much as it does.

Dean takes a bite of his food before he answers, taking his time chewing. If he's being honest it's partly because he's not totally sure if his gut reaction is the honest answer or not - the other part is that he still feels like being a little bit of a brat.

"Sammy," he sighs and sets the burger down, "I - I didn't -" Dean clears his throat a little before murmuring, "Not all of it, no."

 _Most of it_ , he adds mentally, trying not to shrink into himself with the guilt. He doesn't get to snap at Sam like that. He doesn't get to be honest like that. It's his job to swallow it down and keep them safe. John's voice rings in the back of his head, reminding him that it's not Dean's job to have feelings about this.

"Oh," Sam says quietly and takes another bite of his food before nodding, very purposefully not looking at Dean now, "Okay." 

It's quiet and awkward as hell after that and Sam barely eats half of his food before getting up and making a half-hearted excuse about being tired. Dean doesn't miss it when his little brother grabs a bottle of scotch on his way out of the kitchen.

When he's alone again Dean finishes his burger slowly. He hasn't been this hungry since they were kids and John left them for three months with no money.

He eats the rest of Sam's food when he's done, trying not to grimace at a salad with pineapple and raisins and other fruits that he's not entirely sure what they are. They taste okay though, and he thinks he might like them if they were by themselves. 

It's so quiet in the bunker at night. He can barely make out Sam's snoring and it makes him smile, just a little bit, as he cleans up their trash.

He tries not to think about how weird it feels to be himself again. He tries not to think about how before, when he was different (he's not sure yet if he can bring himself to say the 'd' word), he didn't feel all that different. He was angrier, sure, and maybe a little bit more of an asshole than he would prefer to admit, but it was never so bad that it felt  _wrong_  to him.

Being a vampire? That had felt thirty different kinds of wrong. Torturing in hell? That was every kind of wrong he could think of and it was all he could do not to get nauseous just thinking about it now. 

But being a... being a demon - Dean has to brace himself on the counter when he thinks of that word - it wasn't... it felt good. It felt nice to be able to breathe again without the weight of the world on his shoulders. He'd forgotten what it was like to wake up in the morning and not feel like he'd failed everything he ever cared about. 

Now though? He feels like he's drowning all over again. He wonders if it's ever going to feel any differently. If, as a human, he'll ever feel that weight lifted again.

Dean sighs and grabs a beer from the fridge before heading back towards his room. He tries not to look at the obliterated door as he passes it, feeling that crushing guilt when he thinks about what he almost did. What he'd  _really_  wanted to do. 

He shuts the door to his room a little more forcefully than intended and rests against it for a moment with his eyes closed. 

Guilt, fear, horror, resentment, dread, self-loathing, anger, it's all there. It's all sitting on his chest dragging him down until he's sitting on the floor with his knees pulled up to his chest. He hasn't had a panic attack in  _years_  but he feels another one coming on.

He wants to be pissed. He's not sure who he should direct the anger towards but at the moment it's feeling more and more like himself.

His phone goes off in the top drawer of his nightstand. His real phone, the one he left behind six weeks ago.

' _Said there ain't no use in crying. Cause it will only, only drive you mad, Does it hurt to hear them lying? Was this the only world you had? Oh-oh_.'

Dean groans quietly and makes himself pick up the phone because he knows if he doesn't that it will just start ringing again. He's not sure if he can take his phone taunting him with the song he picked out himself.

"What, Cas?" He snaps when he finally answers it and flops down onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He tries not to think about how he always ends up sitting on just one side. He tries not to think about who he's been saving the other side for.

" _Hannah's healing so we've stopped for the night_ ," Cas says by way of greeting and Dean can hear a TV on in the background. He wonders if they're in a motel room.

Dean grunts quietly, "She the 'female' or whatever you mentioned?" He doesn't sound jealous. Really, he doesn't. 

Castiel huffs a slightly amused laugh, " _I... yes. I wasn't sure if you would react kindly to hearing her name considering the last time you two met_. _I didn't want to upset you further_."

"The last time we met?" He frowns a little to himself, "You mean when she made you choose between me and your little cult?" 

The angel makes a slightly affronted noise on the other end of the line, " _They were not a cult, Dean. They were my siblings. I was trying to help them_." 

Dean snorts and runs a hand through his hair, forgetting the panic from earlier, "Yeah, well, no offense man, but your track record ain't the best."

" _Dean_..." Castiel sounds wholly unimpressed and it just serves to make Dean smile a little more genuinely. " _I have Grace back, you know. I am capable of smiting you again_."

His chest aches a little bit with how much he misses his best friend.

"Yeah buddy," he clears his throat quietly, "I know." 

They're both quiet for a few minutes as Dean tries to even out his breathing again. It's funny how talking to someone can simultaneously pull you back from one ledge and throw you back onto a different one.

Finally Cas breaks the silence with a quiet, " _Dean...? Are you... are you alright?_ " 

It startles a laugh out of Dean and he has to cover up his mouth for a moment because no, he's not okay. He's really not okay and he doesn't know what to do with that.

He's mad at Sam for taking the choice away from him to be cured. He's mad at himself for being mad at Sam because ultimately, he did the right thing (at least he hopes it was the right thing). He's mad at Cas for just leaving like that, when Dean needs him. He's mad at himself for wanting something with Cas because he knows he doesn't deserve him. He's mad at Crowley and Cain for dragging him into this clusterfuck. He's scared shitless because he still has the Mark. He's still evil, just like Alastair always said he was. But this time he doesn't have the black eyes to keep the guilt from eating him alive.

The laughter trails off into a slightly wounded noise.

" _Stop that_ ," Castiel chastises from the other end of the line, " _Stop doing that to yourself, Dean. Stop blaming yourself for feeling things_."

"I wanted to kill him, Cas," he chokes out before sitting up and covering his face with his hand, "I would've done it. If you hadn't shown up, I - I would've done it. I would've enjoyed it." Dean lets out a shaky laugh, "Fuck, I would've  _enjoyed_  it."

" _That wasn't you, Dean_." 

"Wasn't it though?" Dean retorts and squeezes his eyes closed, "I meant what I said to him. Everything except the thing about mom, I meant it. And you know what? I said it because I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of that. I knew what I was doing, man. I..." He doesn't know how to explain it to someone.

" _Dean_ ," Cas says in his warning tone and he can hear the other man shuffling around before the angel's side of the line becomes quieter. " _I have it on good authority that siblings often have homicidal fantasies_." 

He's trying to get Dean to laugh. He doesn't. 

Castiel sighs and shifts the phone to his other ear to block it from the wind, " _I... I saw you. The demon in you. I saw it before I intervened. And I know that you were almost cured then but... I saw you_." 

Dean wipes his face off with a huff of a laugh, his voice sounding rough, "Yeah? Pretty as you remembered?" 

" _Yes_ ," Cas answers back without hesitation. It surprises Dean.

" _I could see the darkness in you, the demon form you were given_ ," he says slowly, like he's trying to choose his words carefully. " _And I saw a light in the middle of it. I saw your soul_."

Cas' voice grows quieter, " _Dean... I - I can't know how you feel right now. I wish I was there with you to help but - who you were, then? What you did? What you wanted to do? That's not... all of who you are. It doesn't define you_."

Dean makes a noise that might be a laugh or a sob and he's grateful when his friend doesn't comment on that, "Cas..." 

" _What you felt as a demon towards your brother wasn't wrong, Dean_ ," he continues quietly. " _It is alright to be angry with him. You are allowed to have your own feelings about this, my friend. Being hurt and angry is as much a part of a human life as is breathing. And being upset that you were cheated out of a normal childhood does not make you a bad person, Dean_." 

The hunter chokes out a small laugh, "Yeah, well, I think the ship's already sailed on that one, Cas. Not sure if you can still be a good guy once you're an ex-demon with an honorary membership as a Knight of Hell." 

Castiel hesitates for a few beats, " _Dean... do you... do you remember what you told me? In purgatory?_ " 

He does but he's scared of what he might say if he tries to talk right now.

" _You told me that what we do, the mistakes that we make, don't define who we are_ ," Castiel reminds him gently, his voice too soft for Dean's liking. " _You said that the only thing that defines us is what we do after that. How we try to fix it_."

"I don't know if I can fix this, Cas," he admits quietly and lays back down again, curling up so he's facing the empty side. Cas' side.

" _We'll figure it out_ ," Cas promises him and Dean can practically hear the smile in his voice, " _We always do_."

Dean smiles a little bit and closes his eyes. "I meant it," he murmurs after a moment, "What I said earlier. And not..." He clears his throat a little, "Not just because you stopped me."

Castiel is quiet for a few minutes and Dean doesn't have to see him to know that his best friend has a small smile on his face and is probably looking away guiltily. 

" _I wish I could have stayed_ ," Cas finally responds with a tired sigh, " _I hope you know that, Dean. If... if it were my choice, I would_  -" 

This time it's Dean who sighs tiredly, "Yeah, buddy... I know." 

" _I... I should let you rest_ ," he says awkwardly after a few moments, " _You must be exhausted. I suppose Crowley would not have let you rest much_."

He wants to tell Cas that all he did as a demon when he wasn't at the bar was sleep. He's not sure if that would go over well since neither one of them knows how to have the conversations that they need to.

"Yeah man," Dean clears his throat in what he hopes is a convincing manner, "I guess you need to get back to Hannah, huh?" 

" _I'll call you_ ," Cas stutters out after a moment, " _I - I don't know if I will be able to visit again soon. But I will call, Dean_." He lets out a breath and takes a beat, " _I... I missed you_." 

Dean feels the corners of his mouth turn up a little bit and his chest aches all over again. "I missed you too," he murmurs.

" _Goodnight, Dean_ ," Cas says quietly, " _I will talk to you soon_." 

They hang up after that and Dean sighs into the empty room. His chest still feels a little heavy but he can breathe again.

For now.

**Author's Note:**

> [read it on tumblr](http://highdeans.tumblr.com/post/100677119957/episode-tag-warnings-for-deans-depressed)


End file.
